This is Halloween.

I hate this time of year.

For one, it's americanised bullshit. Trick or treat and the like.

Secondly, my name doesn't lend itself to the season. Samuel Haine. Samhain. Never used to be a problem, now with the internet people just fucking know.

I carve a pumpkin or two. Just for fun. My brother always makes the same old "Sweeney Todd" joke - "At last, my arm is complete again!" - Lucky it hasn't always been like that. Johnny fucking Depp. Tim fucking Burton.

That's another thing. "Nightmare before christmas". Why it's never shown on Halloween I'll never know. Usually on at about 2am on ITV at new years! Neither Halloween or Christmas!

Anyway, pumpkins. I love making these artsy-fartsy style pumpkins. I did one with roman columns all around it one year. Won a prize for it - book voucher, but still. It's either that or really fucked up stuff. The bro usually ends up attempting to carve a vagina on his ones but either chickens out or fucks it up.

Thing I like about Halloween is the fact you can scare people and they won't care, or try to attack you. Not like any other time of the year.

I can go out in bloody overalls and brandish a hatchet - and people won't give a shit. No matter what I've done or intend to do.

Be a smashing night for a murder.

Cliched. But smashing nonetheless.

Sometimes I just sit in the road and act like a psychopath. If anyone comes close, I jump up and scream like a madman, waving a weapon around before moving on to the next road.

That can go wrong of course. Like the time the car didn't stop. Nothing serious, just a bitch of a bruise on my side for about 2 weeks.

Something I'd like to do is just go and sit in a graveyard. On Hallow's eve of course. See how many little gothy chicks I can see and subsequentially scare. Last year, I went into one, just passed through. There were a group of goths, none over the age of 14. Lot of girls, about 60/40 in the group. They were stood around chanting and laughing, trying to raise the dead or summon a demon.

I had to interject.

Just set them straight. The spell the lead boy had printed off of the net - See what I said about the internet? - was bogus. Just theatrics. I told them of the Baccae, the Hecate and of the Pandem. The latter are a small spanish sect of satanists, they think the rock of Gibratar is the entrance to Pandemonium, the capital city of hell.

I told them to try the Baccae. Dismemberment, rape and the sheer release of restraint. Just get fucking filthy. The lead guy tryed to shoo me away. Seriously. Waving his hands and everything. So I pushed him down the hill. He got knocked out. So I took control.

Those kids were energetic. Loved the process of the Baccae... But couldn't take the mess. Vomiting is good for the worship though. I'll always remember those girls...

The results were... Unexpected.

They all later died of massive wounds... Hm.

That's why I want to go all night.

And the night is young.