My Life in Fractures.

Nose - 5 years old.

I hit an incoming door. My uncle Mike was on the other side of it. He couldn't have seen it coming, he was in the habit of busting in on us with "Bravado".

I had to wear the mask for a while.

Left forearm, compound - 8 years old.

Fell out of a tree. I was down at the lake with my parents and some friends. Someone, I don't remember who, dared me to climb to the top of a tree over the lake, just drooping over it. My dad went nuts, I panicked, I hit the water badly.

In a cast for months. Pretty covered with ink by the end of it.

Left index and middle finger - 9 years old.

My sister shut these fingers in the car door. Old station wagon. It was an accident, I think - I don't remember. They were more worried about me having tetnus or blood poisoning from the rust on the car.

Strapped up pretty good.

Rebreak. Left Forearm - 14 years old.

Football injury. I was a running back. I got taken out by an opposing quarterback. I fell onto it normally, but it couldn't take it. I heard it go, and so did he. He went to the emergency room with me, my parents weren't there that day for the game. Darren became one of my best friends after that day.

Cast - Darren signed it first, then Cindy. Max came in a did barbed wire over the base, next to my elbow.

Right big toe - 19 years old.

Selling tacky shit door to door for Uncle Mike. Mormon took offence to my "patter", and slammed the door on me - my toe was just about over the line. Lucky me.

Kept off of my feet for a while.

Right leg - 23 years old.

Aspen. Snowboarding. A long fall into a tree and a snow pile. Hot chocolate. I write a fairly good story in the time I have off - Cindy says I have the knack for writing.

God knows how long I was bedridden.

Right wrist - 27 years old.

Fell from a ladder helping Darren and Marina decorate their baby's room.

Short cast. No room to sign.

Left Ankle - 34 years young. Today.

So here I sit. On a laptop. Funny story.

I got out of the SUV, dropping Frieda and Donny off at school. I get out and slip on the ice in the gutter. My ankle and foot somehow get caught in a storm drain. People try to pull me out, but that made the break worse. I wish the writer's guild had medical insurance.

Looks like I have plenty of time on my hands.

Maybe I'll write something.