Sunday 27 September 2009

Dear John.

I'm afraid this isn't working. None of it. Not any more.

I accepted that you have flaws - who doesn't? But it was the stuff you ACTIVELY hid from me that makes this both an easy and hard decision to make.

First, the other woman. I know about Karen. I know about your secret meeting when you were "Working". I just don't understand what I was doing wrong.

Second. The... bizarre fetishes. Roleplay is the furthest I'll go - I have explicitly told you this. The subtle hints were not appreciated. The cactus, latex pig suit, washing up liquid, mashing machine SHELL and the pink fluffy hangman's noose will be returned in the condition they were found.

Third. I don't mind being filmed in the bedroom. What I mind is you redistributing the film to your friends. What perturbs me even more is the fact that you didn't just give it out. You set up a make-shift penny arcade to display "What the Butthole saw.".

Lastly, Your pets need to go. Please come and pick them, their belongings and their CHILDREN up. I don't appreciate iguana spawning across my sofa, let alone next to my head at night.

Sincerely,

Jane. 

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