Fixation.

I have this friend...

Let's call him... Jim.

He has a problem. Whenever he... Sees a broken machine, he has to... You know. "Give it the once over".

He's a repair-man by trade... So this little problem could have just developed over time. I'd hate to think he was born with it.

What I mean, by "giving it the once over", is that he inspects it, and if he can't repair it, or isn't allowed to... Well, you can guess what happens next.

It's gotten him into some... Tight spots, and bad situations. Vending machines are like hookers to him. No lights, a sign, it doesn't take any kind of coins... He even did it once to a machine that was fine, apart from the fact one of the "OUT" bulbs was... out.

Then there are the doors. We just don't let him whenever we're nearby a broken door. But sometimes they're easily repaired, which solves the problem.

A rubbish dump is like a candy store, and a building site is a strip club - God knows 8 out of 10 machines on a site work - so a fifth of them are just ripe and waiting...

I... He doesn't know what to do... He almost lost his... well, the other day, we passed a car crash, nothing bad, but the cars involved were't moving. We stopped and lent a hand. They were waiting for Triple A, they were at a loose end... And so were we. We took our eyes off of him for a second, he started to... have sex with the car. We fixed the car, it started... and there was an almighty scream, followed by intense pain.

We just don't want it to become a problem on his wedding night. So many gifts, so little time...

And don't get me started on those slutty ice machines...