Not in the mood. Come back tomorrow.
Monday, 30 November 2009
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Casual racism.
Native americans, I can only assume, are exempt from saying the pledge of allegiance.
"One nation under God."
Isn't one of their Gods a wendigo?
...
Racism aside, that would have worked better if I were in character.
I feel ashamed.
NEXT POST!
"One nation under God."
Isn't one of their Gods a wendigo?
...
Racism aside, that would have worked better if I were in character.
I feel ashamed.
NEXT POST!
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Ninnyhammer.
He came like a bolt from the blue!
NINNYHAMMER.
Women wanted him. Men wanted to be him. Some oddball women wanted to be him, and some rather fruity men wanted him.
NINNYHAMMER.
Armed with nothing beyond his mighty "Helftling" hammer, a badger loincloth, a tri-horn helmet and leather armour made from the skin of men who wanted to be him.
NINNYHAMMER.
His adventures are legendary, though no-one really knows how they came to know the stories of his adventures.
NINNYHAMMER.
Like the story of his battle with the Darkling lord of Ghosnonine - 2 out of 3 in dorf throwing... AND CATCHING.
NINNYHAMMER.
And the legend of his heated conversation and subsequent lawsuit against the dragon, Kash-hacrah, over the property boundries between their homes.
NINNYHAMMER.
And who can forget the trial of the weaponmasters of Cradgrand, who disarmed the mighty NINNYHAMMER and forced him to fight a slew of monsters, before fighting one of them to get his own weapon back?
NINNYHAMMER.
...Okay, that last one didn't happen.
NINNYHAMMER.
To be honest, he kind of sucks as a barbarian hero.
NINNYHAMMER.
Bit of a twat actually... Went out with my sister.
NINNYHAMMER.
He made her do anal.
NINNYHAMMER.
He broke her pelvis! She's stuck in a wheelchair!
NINNYHAMMER.
Whatever happened to Conan? He was a real hero.
NINNYHAMMER.
His hammer is an anvil tied to a tree! What's so mystical about that?!
NINNYHAMMER.
He's a homophobic mysogynist!
NINNYHAMMER.
YOU CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE HIM!
...
...
...
NINNYHAMMER.
NINNYHAMMER.
Women wanted him. Men wanted to be him. Some oddball women wanted to be him, and some rather fruity men wanted him.
NINNYHAMMER.
Armed with nothing beyond his mighty "Helftling" hammer, a badger loincloth, a tri-horn helmet and leather armour made from the skin of men who wanted to be him.
NINNYHAMMER.
His adventures are legendary, though no-one really knows how they came to know the stories of his adventures.
NINNYHAMMER.
Like the story of his battle with the Darkling lord of Ghosnonine - 2 out of 3 in dorf throwing... AND CATCHING.
NINNYHAMMER.
And the legend of his heated conversation and subsequent lawsuit against the dragon, Kash-hacrah, over the property boundries between their homes.
NINNYHAMMER.
And who can forget the trial of the weaponmasters of Cradgrand, who disarmed the mighty NINNYHAMMER and forced him to fight a slew of monsters, before fighting one of them to get his own weapon back?
NINNYHAMMER.
...Okay, that last one didn't happen.
NINNYHAMMER.
To be honest, he kind of sucks as a barbarian hero.
NINNYHAMMER.
Bit of a twat actually... Went out with my sister.
NINNYHAMMER.
He made her do anal.
NINNYHAMMER.
He broke her pelvis! She's stuck in a wheelchair!
NINNYHAMMER.
Whatever happened to Conan? He was a real hero.
NINNYHAMMER.
His hammer is an anvil tied to a tree! What's so mystical about that?!
NINNYHAMMER.
He's a homophobic mysogynist!
NINNYHAMMER.
YOU CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE HIM!
...
...
...
NINNYHAMMER.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Rhymers, Two-timers, Schemers and Dreamers.
Agent Maxley, sir?
Yes, Franjen?
Are we in any huge danger today?
I notice you didn't just say danger. You're learning.
I mean, I realise these people are high priority targets, but-
Not all of high priority, and some higher than others. But I know what you mean, and what you're asking. Read me the list again.
Sir?
And let me know what you think of them.
Alright. Herge Croire.
L'Homme Magique. Magic Man.
Telepath. Telekinetic. Has gadgets provided by unknown sources.
He doesn't usually step outside of Europe. Western europe anyway. What does that say?
He has a damn good reason to come stateside.
What else?
...He... May have other connections?
And?
Uh...
Those connections need his powers. He was able to knock out an entire bank with a click of his fingers. That's another thing.
What?
He's only been small time up until now. None of his monitored accounts show him buying a ticket to L.A. He was BROUGHT out here.
Okay. Next is Felim Sondras - Count Sondras. Out of Romania.
The lord of darkness himself. Can control shadows and fly unaided at night.
Why at night?
No idea. Something about air pressure being lower. So he'd be useless in a storm.
They need him for the power. There are shadows everywhere.
Not just that, though it's the deciding factor. The count is sat on a huge fortune, more than enough to fund any kind of operation.
Right. Andreas Colon, inbound on Flight 38981 from Colombia.
Skymaster.
The guy was a doctor, professor even in aerospace AND chemistry.
He still is. Made all of his cloud capsules himself. All dense enough to support him and anyTHING he makes them able to support. Good weapons too, he can control them.
Air support, and the science know-how?
Bingo.
Lastly, Farrah Vendil-Andrews. The Redcap.
Super strong, super agile, and utterly insane.
The muscle?
Yeah, but she's unpredictable. Alternate personality obsessed with fairytales. Thinks she's some blood demon or something. That's why her hair is red.
...Ew.
Yep.
Whoever's bringing them in knows how to control her... It. As well as get them all to work together.
As well as having a plan. He's been working on it for some time. Everyone has a job, but they can multi-task. Only he has any real devotion or dedication to one job.
He's the controller?
The one sending them updates and orders. One man come to mind for me...
Who?
The Inside Man.
...He's dead, isn't he?
He'd like you...Us, the agency, the world, to think that. He was a smooth operator. Spending years building up a position with white collar companies, only to sell them out to other supervillains. Only thing that made them fail was the ineptitude of most villains who paid his fees. He was a mastermind for schedule and planning.
Why would he come out of hiding now?
The game is good again. Sure, at cut fees due to the basic economy, but it still works. People aren't expecting these kinds of crimes now on such a huge scale.
So they're all coming to bid on a bank job?
Maybe...
So what did you think?
He's bored. After one final score.
And he's finally stepping up?
Could be anything. Hostages, kidnapping, blackmail. When a guy like him steps out of his comfort zone, everything goes into high priority.
There's still one thing, sir.
And that is?
We have no idea who The Inside Man is.
No. We don't. Suit up, First flight from Romania is incoming.
Yes, Franjen?
Are we in any huge danger today?
I notice you didn't just say danger. You're learning.
I mean, I realise these people are high priority targets, but-
Not all of high priority, and some higher than others. But I know what you mean, and what you're asking. Read me the list again.
Sir?
And let me know what you think of them.
Alright. Herge Croire.
L'Homme Magique. Magic Man.
Telepath. Telekinetic. Has gadgets provided by unknown sources.
He doesn't usually step outside of Europe. Western europe anyway. What does that say?
He has a damn good reason to come stateside.
What else?
...He... May have other connections?
And?
Uh...
Those connections need his powers. He was able to knock out an entire bank with a click of his fingers. That's another thing.
What?
He's only been small time up until now. None of his monitored accounts show him buying a ticket to L.A. He was BROUGHT out here.
Okay. Next is Felim Sondras - Count Sondras. Out of Romania.
The lord of darkness himself. Can control shadows and fly unaided at night.
Why at night?
No idea. Something about air pressure being lower. So he'd be useless in a storm.
They need him for the power. There are shadows everywhere.
Not just that, though it's the deciding factor. The count is sat on a huge fortune, more than enough to fund any kind of operation.
Right. Andreas Colon, inbound on Flight 38981 from Colombia.
Skymaster.
The guy was a doctor, professor even in aerospace AND chemistry.
He still is. Made all of his cloud capsules himself. All dense enough to support him and anyTHING he makes them able to support. Good weapons too, he can control them.
Air support, and the science know-how?
Bingo.
Lastly, Farrah Vendil-Andrews. The Redcap.
Super strong, super agile, and utterly insane.
The muscle?
Yeah, but she's unpredictable. Alternate personality obsessed with fairytales. Thinks she's some blood demon or something. That's why her hair is red.
...Ew.
Yep.
Whoever's bringing them in knows how to control her... It. As well as get them all to work together.
As well as having a plan. He's been working on it for some time. Everyone has a job, but they can multi-task. Only he has any real devotion or dedication to one job.
He's the controller?
The one sending them updates and orders. One man come to mind for me...
Who?
The Inside Man.
...He's dead, isn't he?
He'd like you...Us, the agency, the world, to think that. He was a smooth operator. Spending years building up a position with white collar companies, only to sell them out to other supervillains. Only thing that made them fail was the ineptitude of most villains who paid his fees. He was a mastermind for schedule and planning.
Why would he come out of hiding now?
The game is good again. Sure, at cut fees due to the basic economy, but it still works. People aren't expecting these kinds of crimes now on such a huge scale.
So they're all coming to bid on a bank job?
Maybe...
So what did you think?
He's bored. After one final score.
And he's finally stepping up?
Could be anything. Hostages, kidnapping, blackmail. When a guy like him steps out of his comfort zone, everything goes into high priority.
There's still one thing, sir.
And that is?
We have no idea who The Inside Man is.
No. We don't. Suit up, First flight from Romania is incoming.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
An Ode.
Twist. In my body there's a twist.
More than one, but it's all connected.
Strands, almost unseen strands, running over me. Within and without.
Plumbing. More than one set of pipes.
The sewer, the songbird and the sanguine.
The pressure of this prehistoric element keeps me going.
It both hurts and is a pleasure to behold, the joy of inward reflection.
A reflection of you, of him and her.
It's relative, all the way back to that prehistoric element.
Hunger. Pain. Satisfaction.
Eat away at the unseen out of the being.
Eat at the strands that tie us all to the world itself.
The world that is older than even the prehistoric, the jurassic or terassic.
Only a tear to the strands would end the within and without.
All of it.
Nothing left to you or me in the will of the world.
The will of man and beast rules.
Law of the jungle.
Lay of the land.
All connected.
Related.
Symmetry.
We were made in the earth's image.
We are the earth.
Within and without.
More than one, but it's all connected.
Strands, almost unseen strands, running over me. Within and without.
Plumbing. More than one set of pipes.
The sewer, the songbird and the sanguine.
The pressure of this prehistoric element keeps me going.
It both hurts and is a pleasure to behold, the joy of inward reflection.
A reflection of you, of him and her.
It's relative, all the way back to that prehistoric element.
Hunger. Pain. Satisfaction.
Eat away at the unseen out of the being.
Eat at the strands that tie us all to the world itself.
The world that is older than even the prehistoric, the jurassic or terassic.
Only a tear to the strands would end the within and without.
All of it.
Nothing left to you or me in the will of the world.
The will of man and beast rules.
Law of the jungle.
Lay of the land.
All connected.
Related.
Symmetry.
We were made in the earth's image.
We are the earth.
Within and without.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
A Very Weird Dream.
It's unusual for me to remember dreams like these. Here we go:
In a school assembly hall, people on all sides - adults, all of them - on bleachers and raised seating. I'm at the front.
My friend Avery (www.averyedison.com) is scheduled to perform some comedy. A huge cage is shadowed on the stage. A monologue about the history and future of man begins. about 10 minutes into it, someone stands up and says something to the tune of "We haven't got a lot of time, lets skip to the end.". Avery isn't even in the giant hamster cage and just stands at the side apathetically with a prison number written on a piece of chewed up cardboard.
A lack-luster applause. I'm horrified.
Lenny Henry comes out after Avery has left, looking pissed. He says:
"A harsh wind blow and blister ye all o'er! ...I'm done with comedy, never again."
The rest of his speech is drowned out by my father in the middle of the audience snoring. Lenny sees him and lingers over him, smiling like a devil.
I leave, and catch Avery coming out of the back, we sit and talk. The conversation fades and I wake up.
...
Really fucking weird, eh?
Monday, 23 November 2009
Haurin.
Long ago, when the world was young, Haurin rose to power.
He was a mighty warrior, and armies fell in his wave of destruction.
Some say his power came from the Gods, some said he was the earth given flesh, and some said he was the next step for mankind, the next king of all men.
But not even Haurin knew where his power came from. All he knew was how to use it.
And use it he did. In the space of a night, he toppled the eastern kingdom of Garewed, known for it's harsh weather and even harsher warriors. The next night, he braved the wastes until he hit the walls of Ingris - the molten city. His hands burnt, but still the conquered their king.
This chain of war grew mightier and more fearsome with each link that was added. Tybal, Veminas, Cherngard, Jarrion, Lassit, Konfra, and many more cities of renown.
After he reached the central kingdoms, he suffered his first defeat.
In the City of Hawker, the ancient root of civilisation, He came upon a young woman, an old man, and a young man, all stood in his path.
"Who stands in my way?!"
"We three" Said the woman, "The warriors of the trivumerate."
"Askoyt, Cannavart, and Phain." Said the young man, Phain.
"We stand for the truths of man" Added Old Man Cannavart, "Truths you will never understand."
"Tell me! So that I may attempt to..." Said the conqueror with bile and amusement.
"No" Askoyt quickly responded. "You will have to find them for yourself. And on the path you take now, you never will find them."
With that, the three disappeared, leaving the Conqueror alone at the gates of the capital.
And he walked away.
The story of his trials?
Another time, children.
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